Reverend Carmichael Baptizes Himself

Here in northern middle Tennessee, ‘specially here in Deerflat, we take our religion serious.  Most things tend to turn ‘round the Church, Church service and gatherin’s.  We got Baptists, a few Methodists and even one Buddhist, but that’s another tale for later.  The bulk of Deerflat’s population of 212 (soon to be 214 if Missy Stubach ever drops her twins) are what folks’d consider non-denominational.  We believe in God and we aim to follow the good book but we ain’t got a formal name as yet.  When our great-granddaddies got to this area back in 1886 the first thing that did was to build a Church.  The original is still standin’ and’ll hold up to a hundred if we sit small.  It weren’t ‘till 1898 or so the deacons got together and decided to name us the Deerflat Church of Holiness and Consecration and Fellowship of the Word.  Guess you can tell we’s named by committee.

In my life time we’ve had only two Pastors, Rev. Levi Carmichael Sr. who brought us the word from 1951 until he passed at the age of 93 in 1981, and our current Pastor, Rev. Levi Carmichael Jr.  Reverend Levi Sr. was a very proper, educated man with a calm nature and easy speakin’ voice.  He was a pleasure to hear whether you know what he was talkin’ ‘bout or not.  A dose of Reverend Levi Sr. on a Sunday morning’d carry ya through the week feelin’ good about yourself and your situation usually.  Reverend Levi Jr. was another matter entirely.  He was a real fire-breather that could shout down a thunderstorm and without bein’ disrespectful, he weren’t too fluent in the word if you know that I’m getting’ at.  I remember one of his sermons when I was still a young’un was based on the text, “A Bird in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush”.  Up ‘till that time I’d never knowed that was a Bible verse.  I must’ve been ‘bout 19 or 20 ‘fore I found out it weren’t, still, as I remember, that sermon was a pretty good one.  Then there was the time Reverend Levi Jr. spent most of an hour expoundin’ on what an amazin’ body the good Lord had give us, how is was so complicated, how it was beautifully made and how it could take a beatin’ and heal itself.  To prove his point he quoted from the book of Genesis where, “Jacob tied his ass to a tree and walked 40 miles.”  Reverend Levi Jr.’s claim was that only human skin could miraculously stretch that far.  Levi Jr. could be pretty entertainin’ at times.

Regardless of how far he tended to stray from the word Rev. Levi Jr. drew a bigger crowd come Sunday than his daddy ever did.  Wasn’t so much that he was inspirin’, it was folks couldn’t wait to see or hear what was comin’ next.  Sunday’s could be more enjoyable than the movie shows over in Ripley.  Another thing with Rev. Levi Jr., everything was for the purposes of revival.  He was truly big on revivin’ us and the surroundin’ community.  Seems like every other month or so we was havin’ another revival meetin’ even though most of us weren’t the least bit in need of revivin’.  Reverend Levi Jr. was also the most baptizin’ preacher you ever saw.  His motto was ‘when in doubt, baptize ‘em’.  I ain’t sure if it’s true or not but Dinnie Russell’s daddy claims Reverend Levi baptized their ol’ hounddog once just ‘cause it was actin’ funny.  The Reverend claimed the dog must have picked up an evil spirit somewheres and Dinnie’s daddy swears that hound was a might more pert right up ‘till it got run over by a log truck.  I guess ya never know.  Anyways, baptizin’ was what lead to the most memorable revival the Deerflat Church of Holiness and Consecration and Fellowship of the Word has ever had.

For those of you what ain’t familiar with the insides of a church facility, ours has an indoor baptistery.  It really ain’t much more than a little cement pond located behind the pulpit and is usually covered by a couple of hinged door when it ain’t in use.  It’s about 4 feet deep and, havin’ been dunked myself on account of my sins, I can’t attest to the fact that the water is icy cold even in the summertime. 

We was in the middle of our annual Fall revival in October, we always had revival meetin’ in October ‘cause accordin’ to Reverend Levi that was the wickedest month of the year due to the Holloween festivities.  It was the last night of the meetin’ and the Reverend was warmin’ the folks up, preparin’ for the baptisms he anticipated.  He allowed as if we wanted to enter the kingdom, the only way was through the water.  He must have spent near an hour explainin’ why he hisself believed in a complete dunkin’ where as others might let one get by with just a sprinklin’.  To everyone’s surprise he told us he’d only been sprinkled but that as he grew in the word (I’d point our here that many of us believed his growth had been stunted at some point) he’d come to realize that a dunkin’ was the only sure path.  As Reverend Levi got to jumpin’ and a hollerin’ about the reward one could expect to receive without a good baptism, it became clear he’d forgotten we’d opened up the baptistery bein’ as how it was the last night of revival and we wanted it ready for immediate use.  I tell you, every soul in the building was on the edge of their seat, not so much as a result of the sermon the Reverend was hurlin’ at us, we’s just waitin’ for him to step back too far and he did.  Reverend Levi Carmichael Jr. got to the point where he was a hollerin’ about God sending fire down from heaven to consume those who refused baptism when he jumped back and disappeared.  He’d lost his footin’ on the edge of the baptistery and done a backflop directly into that icy cold water.

Seemed like forever the sanctuary was dead silent.  Folks weren’t even breathin’.  ‘Ventually we heard the Reverend gain his footin’ and stand up a spittin’ water.  Gertie Whitherspoon swears she heard what sounded an awful lot like a ‘dammit’ somewhere in that chokin’ and spittin’ but I ain’t never knowed the Reverend to cuss.  Reverend Levi stepped back up to the pulpit tryin’ his best to look somewhat dignified instead of like a drowned kitten but he weren’t pullin’ it off.  He cleared his throat a couple a times but ‘fore he could say a single word, ol’ man Paramore what owns the general stored spoke up in the quiet and said, ‘Well Reverend, after that dunkin’ I guess you’re one of us now.’  Turned out to be the best revival I’ve ever attended before or since.  We must’ve laughed for near ten minutes and as we’s just calmin’ down the whole congregation busted out laughin’ again seein’ as how Mrs. Helena Percy Pryor, the Helena Percy Pryor what sings in the choir, peed herself laughin’ so hard and had to leave the sanctuary.  It was quite a service.