Five Advantages to Old Age

The older I get the more I realize things are definitely improving on several fronts. Life becomes easier, boundaries expand, standards slacken as freedom abounds. Why do we fear the aging process when it has so much to offer? Old age is what we’ve yearned for since we were eight years old. We simply fail to realize it. Without too much effort I can think of five reasons to look forward to old age. (I will not set an exact age at which one might be considered ‘old’. If you’re old I assume you know it.)

Fashion no longer matters.

As if it ever did in the first place, especially if you happen to be male. Plaid shirt, striped pants (preferably shorts), white socks with open-toed sandals are the norm and no one bats an eye. Wear the same trousers and shirt for six consecutive days. You’ve earned the right. The standards as set forth by society no longer apply, after all, you’re old. You’ve got better things to worry about besides what you’re going to wear because, well, you’re old. You haven’t got that much time left. Ten minutes to find a clean shirt is ten minutes squandered in my book. Another plus for the aged; nothing needs to fit. My neighbor wears a T-shirt that would fit a fourteen year old and pants at least four sizes too big, hiked up to within four inches of his armpits. Looks like someone put a pair to pants on an egg but what does he care? At a certain age you no longer need to impress those around you. You’re no longer seeking a mate, employment or votes. Those days are long gone unless you happen to be a Supreme Court Justice and even then, you get to wear a robe most of the time. I guarantee you, under those robes at least one of them is wearing an REO Speedwagon concert T-shirt from 1979 and Sans-a-belt slacks that would fit a Volkswagen. Another thing, why is it an old guy like me can go through the last glorious days of his life dressing like a fashion train wreck and when I finally pass, they’ll dress me in a suit and lay me in an $8,000 coffin? No one will recognize me!

Forgiveness is more abundant.

Let’s face it. When you’re ‘old’ you can pretty much do as you please and get away with it. You’re old! What are they going to do to you? Nothing, that’s what. Just about anything you might do can be excused on account of age. Trust me, it’s a great feeling to have. You can go to the next family reunion and tell Aunt Agnes she a shriveled up old hag that no one’s ever liked and you’d be happy to dance at her funeral. Your children will immediately come to your defense every time. “You’ll have to forgive Poppa Aunt Agnes. He’s old you know.” Shoplift all you want. If you ever do get caught you have a readymade defense. “Hey, I’m just an old guy that don’t know what he’s doing. Where am I? This ain’t the home.” What are they going to do, arrest you? Go ahead and eat that last piece of pie your daughter’s been saving for your son-in-law. What’s he going to do to you? You’re old! True story, one Sunday not too long ago we had a guest preacher. He was just about the long-windedest bore I’ve ever listened to. After about a half-hour of his droning my wife’s Uncle Joe called out, “Get to the point! I’m eighty-seven years old. I ain’t got time for this”. We all just smiled ‘cause after all, Uncle Joe’s old.

Lowered physical standards

At some advanced point in your life you’re going to be shaped like a pear, a stick or a beach ball. It’s a scientific fact so you might as well accept it. It’s proven that if you live long enough every part of your body is either going to sag, disappear or expand. There are no other options so relish the changes. Nothing on your body is where it used to be or is supposed to be and at some point, no amount of surgery is going to make it right again. Throughout life noses and ears continue to grow. Don’t believe me? Look around. At our last family get-together my Grandpa Mike was there. He was eating corn-on-the-cob and actually bit the end of his nose. From behind he looks like a Volvo with the doors open. We live in Tennessee and I swear he can smell a cook-out in Kentucky with that thing. His ears are following at a close second. He’s always complaining his shirt collars are too small and he dang near chokes if he has to wear a tie. Come to find out when he buttons the top button to put a tie on he catches his own ear lobes in the collar of the shirt making it tighter. Now there’s a problem you don’t need. Thing is, after you reach that magic age, nobody cares what you look like anymore. It’s great. You can look like a cross between a wart hog and Abe Vagoda and be adored. How else would you explain Ernest Borgnine, Cloris Leachman or Betty White? Love ‘em all but you got to admit they look like the thumb of a used catcher’s mitt.

Our creator knew what he was doing when he made us. When we become officially ‘old’ certain things no longer matter as they did before. We give up those dreams of being a rock star, race car driver, astronaut or short-stop for the Yankees. At some point in every life a switch is flipped and the only things that matter are the things that matter. Old age is the warm blanket we wrap ourselves in as we watch Wheel of Fortune.

(I just noticed I only gave you three reasons. What’d you expect? I’m old)