Applying the Wrong Moisturizer to the Wrong Place

In the past century man has made incredible advances in medicine, engineering, astronomy, chemistry, the biological sciences, literature, philosophy and just about every other field known to the civilized world.  Save one, that is.  Pee on the toilet seat.  I realize this complaint is usually reserved for the female of the species however, a little known fact, the male of the species has occasion to make use of the seat as well and placing one’s exposed hindquarters unawares on a moistened surface is no more pleasant to the male than it is the female.  I find it incomprehensible that a man who can write his first name, middle initial (period included) and last name in the snow with the appendage God provided can’t be as accurate when aiming at a 14 inch by 16 inch target from less than three feet away. (At this point I would excuse all members of the NBA as they might be aiming from a greater distance). 

In 1852, the American genius Thomas Crapper invented the indoor toilet much to the relief of the general population.  (Sorry about the ‘relief’ pun)  When Crapper had completed the first prototype he proudly displayed the beautiful porcelain throne with wooden seat to his wife.  It is historical fact her first response was, and I quote, “Men will pee on that seat.”  Realizing she was indeed correct Crapper set out to remedy this problem thus inventing the movable toilet seat. Sadly, as time has whizzed by, there remains a portion of the general public that has never been made aware of the seats movability, relying strictly on a sense of accuracy they do not possess.

I have five sons all of which may be considered ‘guys’.  I’m a ‘guy’.  Therefore, you surmise correctly, (if you’re good at math) my wife dwells in a household with six male residents.  I’m proud to say she has never been the recipient of the dreaded ‘seat licking’ (my youngest’s term for placing one’s buttocks on a urine splashed toilet seat).  We have an eight year old Dachshund named Roman.  Roman has gotten so fat his transmission almost drags the ground. The ‘guys’ have trained Roman to use the toilet which in itself is hilarious but more to the point, he raises the seat before he turns, throws his hind legs up and over the lip of the commode and does his business.  If an overweight, height disadvantaged, four legged creature that often snacks from the garbage can lift a toilet seat, how difficult can it possibly be for a human male, the most advanced creature on the face of the earth, with opposable thumbs?

As the current Chairman of PAWS (Pissers Against Wet Seats), an organization founded six months after the introduction of the first toilet by Swedish immigrant Yuren Nate, I assure you we have conducted extensive research into the various means of preventing seat lickings and will continue to do so in the future.  Over the preceding 158 years we have discovered only two acceptable reasons for seat sprinkling the first and foremost being, earthquake relief.  If, during an earthquake greater than 5.5 on the Richter Scale, you discover an overwhelming need for relief, you are excused for possibly moistening the seat if it is dislodged from its upright position by the violent shaking of the building.  Secondly, excessive drunkenness.  In these cases seat sprinkling is not so much excused as it is understood.  If the drunken drainer manages to exit the men’s room with his equipment put away and pants zipped, those present tend to overlook a wet throne.

In conclusion, gentlemen, if you can operate an automobile, possess and use a credit card, own property in your own name, date live women and actually produce other small humans resembling yourself, you can lift a 28 ounce toilet seat.  To steal on old Nike slogan, ‘Just Do It’.